"A perfectly Kept House is the Sign of a Misspent Life"

I didn't want to spend my life cleaning but I couldn't seem to relax in a messy house. I bought this book in hopes that it would inspire me to be less....what was I called? "Uptight"? "Type A"? "Neat freak"? What's so wrong about wanting a clean and tidy house? Nothing, except that for me it was survival mode in action.

I loved the images in this book. Messes and clutter that were signs of creativity and an artful house. All perfectly acceptable and I longed to have one of those perfectly imperfect spaces. My brain just wouldn't let me. I was on high alert at all times for the next episode of trauma, for the next catastrophe. I had to keep us safe and having a neat, well organized space was one of the ways that I managed safety in my house. When the next emergecy arose, I would know where everything that I needed was located. It was also an attempt to gain control. If I could control some aspect of the chaos of our house, well then maybe I could minimize the amount of chaos that lead to trauma.

As a highly sensitive person, having too many things in my visual field also lead my nervous system to feeling overwhelmed easily. (Loud noise does this to me too.) And if my nervous system was already overloaded with sensory stimuli (a messy house), then it would be harder for me to think straight during the next inevitable crisis. So I insisted on a tidy home, and that everyone in my house comply with my demands to constantly clean up.

All the books piled onto my coffee table make me smile instead of cringe! I can't wait to plop down on the sofa and immerse myself in the inspiration.

Over the past couple of years of going through my healing process, I have noticed that creative clutter has made its way into our home. But now, it brings me joy, not stress. A shelf crammed with beautiful objects, art (my own and that of others) filling up all available wall space, stacks of books to poke through during a good thunderstorm. I still like to have my dining room table cleared off at the end of the day, but more so that it is open and available for more creativity the next day, and I won't have to waste time cleaning up a mess when a creative urge strikes and I need the space to make something. This feels like safety. The fact that I have cleared space and time to allow creativity to happen for the sake of joy--yes, that is safety.